true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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