I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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