Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
