Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
