I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
