If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
