sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
