if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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