I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
