i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
