she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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