FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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