hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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