do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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