i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
