My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So much Jack, so little girl.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
