i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
