saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
