just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
