Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
