I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize