my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
