I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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