I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
