Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
