does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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