dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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