i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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