Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
