so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
