I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize