Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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