I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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