She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
