BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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