Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Someone shattered a urinal.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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