The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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