im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
