I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
