I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
