so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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