Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
