Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
