she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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