gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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