True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
