all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize