I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
