I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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