some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Randomize
