I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
