If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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