I think my fart just growled at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
