foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Green mimosas i think yes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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