The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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