If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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