I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
