I didn't shave. On purpose
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
