Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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