i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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