walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
