dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
