So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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