I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
