Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
