hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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